December 9th, 2009

Eeek, I haven’t posted in a few days! But I’ve been awfully busy – school, yuck. D: Our physics teacher dropped a bombshell on us: we’re getting quizzed weekly now, so I gotta figure out a way to manage my time better.

All work and no play makes Delilah a dull (and unhappy) girl.

All things considered, I think it won’t end up being an issue for me, but I’m only nervous because I only have physics three times a week. Next class is Friday, and the quiz the next class after that, and we haven’t even learned anything other than the history of forces (at least, for the chapter the quiz is on). The physics we’re quizzed (and tested) on are the equations; I don’t think we’ll be tested on our knowledge of Galileo and Newton.

Anyway, not much happened at therapy on Monday… same ol’ crap… honestly, I don’t think I’m getting anywhere with my current therapist, and I’ve told that to like, EVERYONE (my mom, my nutritionist, my doctor). I think one time I even told that to her face… oy, if she’s good at anything, then it’s somehow keeping patients because I’m still seeing her. ;P

Doctor and nutritionist appointments? Weeell, nothing really at doctor’s… nutritionist: we’re working on mixing up a few things, and she’s trying to get me to eat things other than cereal at breakfast. Things like waffles, English muffins… granola; I never had granola before, but I’m willing to try it. I have no problem working on challenges, which means ED can’t get in the way. Might as well take my nutritionist up on her offer; it’s always fun to try new things, anyway.

I apologize for such a dull, boring post… but I don’t really have much muse at the moment. Damn schoolwork, bringing me down! I guess when you have to write 1000+ essays and read whole chapters in textbooks, you get sort of burned out. Hopefully this’ll pass! Have a good night, everyone!

– Delilah

December 6th, 2009

Last night, I went to bed feeling shitty: despite the list I made, I still found ED gnawing at my thoughts, but frankly I think it got to me simply because I was too tired to fight back. When I awoke this morning to your comments, I felt a billion times better. You guys are so sweet and amazing. Your comments really do make my day. <3

ANYWAY today I was snooping around accidentally happened upon some payment forms, concerning my appointments with my psychiatrist. These papers are numbered depending on the sort of mental illness you were diagnosed with, so I continued to dig around in that pile of papers and found a list of diagnoses, complete with their corresponding numbers. I was surprised to find my number matched up with “anorexia nervosa” and not “eating disorder NOS.” If you guys noticed, I never referred to my eating disorder as “anorexia” or myself as being an “anorexic.” It’s not a big issue, I know, but it got me thinking. To have “anorexia” does not mean you have the eating disorder “anorexia nervosa…” it actually is a symptom, “to lack appetite.” All things considered, “anorexia” can be a symptom of several types of eating disorders, including EDNOS, and other non-ED diseases too. I always assumed I was never clinically diagnosed with anorexia nervosa because I never was emaciated; therefore being sick with EDNOS.

I can’t say I am “anorexic” because I do eat and I don’t have a decreased appetite. I am still eating disordered because I suffer from all the other issues that arise from ED: horrible body image, fear of food (but not to the point where I won’t eat it), fear of weight gain, among other issues. I think what I’m trying to say is that once you enter the recovery phase, willing to get better, you sort of shift into a simple “eating disordered” character but lose the “anorexic” (in its actual meaning) billing. I can, of course, be wrong: I’m not a doctor… doctors will call us what they please – including anorexic – and I’m just over-thinking things. I just find it interesting, because it’s sort of all a misconception. What arises from this is that I wonder: What does that make me? What am I?

I'm a comb-wieldin', chin-rubbin' philosopher, man!

In the long run, it does not matter to me what I am. I am Delilah. I am a girl. I am cool. I am beautiful. I am not defined by an eating disorder, and I can function well without it. I am who I want to friggin’ be. I wasn’t born with ED, and I will hopefully die a natural death without it. Let’s keep it that way!

– Delilah

December 5th, 2009

1. My hair. Shiny, rich, NOT FALLING OUT. “That’s your NATURAL hair color?!” Complements my cheekbones. Cool. Easy to care for. Perfect.

2. My eyes. Dark, pretty, sparkly. NOT DEAD. NOT TIRED.

3. My eyebrows. Nicely shaped, no waxing needed.

4. My teeth. Straight! Never needed braces. Only one cavity. NOT YELLOW.

5. My shoulders. I don’t know why, but I love ‘em. NOT UGLY BONY.

6. My arms. Toned, long. Strong. Femininely muscular… if there is such a thing. NOT STICK THIN.

7. My feet. Imperfect, but for some reason, I love ‘em. NOT BLISTERED FROM WALKING.

This is a list of things I love about my body. If you noticed, the things in caps were the things those body parts were like when I was sick. None of them are attractive, nor will they ever be. If I can’t learn to accept my body as a whole, I at least can accept individual parts. I’m having a mild freakout at the moment, because here in New York the weather has become disgusting and so I cannot go out and exercise. I’m okay with this, but ED is not. My doctor told me exercise would not be an issue. She is so fucking wrong that I am pissed and beginning to lose my trust in her.

This is not meant to be a negative post, however. The list I made is very similar to the two “I hate…” and “I love…” lists, however this one specifically pinpoints what I love about my BODY and how my body is better at where it is now, rather than a low weight. I was inspired to do this after Googling “how to accept my body,” and most of the things I found were crap because really, when you’re eating disordered it’s gonna take a lot more effort to teach yourself to love your body. Most of the things were saying to just learn to deal with it; you really can’t just “deal” with it in my case.

I want to get better, I really do. I think my problem now is that my “ED Dream Team” – a.k.a. my doctor, nutritionist, therapist, and occasional psychiatrist – is not addressing some of my bigger issues. I’ve made it quite clear to them what they are, I’ve even told my therapist to her face that I think she’s not helping me. Oy vey.

Well, that’s pretty much it. I’m going to shower now, then have dessert. I really can’t believe how cold it is outside… it’s so dark so I can’t tell but apparently it’s snowing. OMGSNOW! Yay, I love snow. x3

‘Night-’night!

– Delilah

December 4th, 2009

Today was so much better than yesterday. In all honesty, yesterday really wasn’t bad – I mean, the weather was BEAUTIFUL and the temperature reached sixty-four degrees! I don’t like naming bad days because really, a day can only be a bad one if you let it be. I’m going to devote tonight’s post to one of my favorite foods… FREEZE-DRIED STRAWBERRIES.

OM NOM NOM

I got these babies from Trader Joe’s… what can I say? They were delicious!

SOOO GOOD. <3

My only complaints were is that they stained my fingers and mouth red, plus when crushed, they turn into a powder, therefore becoming quite messy. But like seriously, THEY ARE FUCKING AMAZING. The nutritionals are pretty decent, too: they’re single served bags, but come with the full benefits of strawberries. 7 grams of fiber, 230% daily value of vitamin C (although, lyk srsly, EVERYTHING comes with vitamin C these days). They’re a bit tarter than real strawberries, but in a good way. I LOVE ‘EM.

DESICCANT PACKET OF DOOOOM.

On a side note, there’s a desiccant packet inside the bag, which is used to absorb the moisture from the strawberries. DO NOT EAT-AH THE DESI, raves the packet. DO NOT EAT ME. …’kay. xD

Anyway, today overall was a better day for me. Although… I didn’t add in the extra calories. :/ While it’s mostly out of fear, it’s partially out of confusion, because I don’t know where to add those calories in. And they mostly need to be fats, which minimizes the options. I’m comfortable in adding chocolate syrup to ice cream, a good 100 calories right there, but chocolate syrup is fat free. I really want to enjoy what I have to add in, because then ED gets less of an excuse to say they’re bad for me. I don’t want this to feel like a chore. DEE-LEM-UH!

Oy, I hope things work out. I don’t want this to be an issue. I’m going to head off now and shower, then eat yet another snack. Hope you all have a fantastic Friday night, don’t stay up too late. ;D

– Delilah

December 3rd, 2009

I’m a bit down at the moment, so please excuse the fact that this post will take on a negative tone. I went to my nutritionist today and I am not happy to say it was a frustrating visit. She wanted me to add 100 calories and I had a bit of a freak-out: I didn’t actually cry till I left the office, but suffice to say, it was not pleasant. I am suffering from horrible body image, amongst other issues, and for me it was too much to add in those extra calories. But you know… I do need them. I am of average weight, but with no period and a metabolism as slow as fuck. I get cold so easily; my “normal” temperature now is under 98 degrees. Reminding myself of these things is the only way I can convince myself that I need to add more to my mealplan.

But still… my views of myself are worsening. All I see is fat in the mirror; now, I don’t see myself as BIGGER but rather, not shaped well. My stomach isn’t flat, and even with the crunches my doctor tells me to do, NOTHING. No toning on my stomach. I have love handles in jeans that aren’t even tight. I don’t even know if this is real or figments of my imagination caused by ED. At my worst, I didn’t see myself as fat… because I was mostly focused on exercise and counting calories. Without that distraction, I now see myself. ED doesn’t like what I see. I don’t know what to do… :/

I know there are mental exercises to “prove” yourself against ED: things like drawing an image of your body, then getting it traced… but you can’t exactly detail what I see in drawings. I really want something to prove that these thoughts aren’t real, or at least, not as bad as I see them… Do any of you know any other exercises out there? I truly would appreciate any ideas. I don’t want my ED controlling my views of myself.

I’m so sorry this post is such a downer, but I just needed to get that off my chest. I hope you guys had a better Thursday than I did. In that case, have a good evening. <3

– Delilah

December 1st, 2009

I am so, so happy to say I’ve finally gotten through that homework – ugh! You know, it was only two subjects, but I had to write a version of the Declaration of Independence to emancipate myself from my parents for History and write an outline for an essay for English. It really does add up after a while… just got through physics homework and finished that outline. Now, it’s bloggin’ time!

I must smell my textbook in order to finish my homework.

I didn’t see my doctor today, but I talked with my therapist yesterday concerning my obsession with exercise. I told her how it was really mucking up my social life and she agreed that it was beginning to interfere and drive me nuts; we were also discussing alternatives so I could easily hang with friends and also exercise (not to mention to make it more fun so I’m not as miserable) all in the same day. Still, I’m already starting to be a bit more easy on myself… I usually walk both ways to and from therapy, but yesterday I just walked one way and allowed my mom to pick me up.

Eh, so it’s not much, but I’ve made it clear that I am fed up with this shit. I got better things to do than worry about how much exercise I do. Like… what to get my friends at school for the holidays! We’re doing a Secret Santa in my homeroom, and the boy I was assigned to is a bit of an ass to me, so… either I can get him a crappy gift, or a creatively crappy gift. ;D What I’m mostly excited for is Hanukkah – I’m Jewish, so no Christmas for me! – and what I can possibly get on any of those eight, crazy nights…

Hmm... an iPhone?

A kitten? No, my cats would probably eat it...

OR MEBBE... a lump of coal? ;o

It amuses me that despite the fact that they’re different holidays, Christmas and Hanukkah still hold the same premise for me: presents. xD Good Jews don’t care amount gifts and sparkly things, but who ever said I wasn’t NAUGHTY? (Besides, we don’t have a Santa to judge us, so no worrying about not receiving anything… score!)

Hehe, forgive me, but I’m just getting into the spirit of things. What do you guys want for the holidays? Now I don’t wanna hear anything about “world peace”…! I think we ought to focus on ourselves for once. Mainly, what I want for myself is my health and life back; I think that’s a pretty reasonable gift. I want to make this December a good one. ED is not invited to any parties I may go to; may he be locked out in the cold and freeze!

Have a good night; stay warm, everybody. ;D

– Delilah

November 30th, 2009

I am giving myself a day off today from blogging simply because I have too much work to do. Okay, well… THAT and House is on tonight. xD But I will resume blogging tomorrow! And I will leave you with a picture of my kitties!

See? Even my kitties are blue. ):

Have a fabulous Tuesday, guys! See you all tomorrow!

– Delilah

November 29th, 2009

I miss having playdates.

You know what I’m talking about… those times when you went over to a classmate’s house after school and played till you fainted from exhaustion – or when your mom arrived to take you home. The times where you played house and took the role of the dad because you were taller. The times where you made hot chocolate and “accidentally” spilled the saucepan onto the kitchen floor. I miss those times, and the friends I shared them with.

Nowadays, I really don’t see my friends outside of school. I would be lying if I said I was a loner, because I’m not. I know with eating disorders a lot of people have come out of it with a ruined social life and often suffer social anxiety when they’re out with friends because there’s always that big question: “Will I have to eat?” A lot of my friends at school are Asian, so if they go out, they’ll go for bubble tea. I’ve been invited before, but I’ve declined because ED screams that bubble tea is loaded with calories and therefore not good for me. People will go to the movies… to the mall… into Manhattan… I don’t want to go because ED doesn’t want me to. I’m terrified of the food I may have to eat.

Another thing is the exercise I “have” to do. My doctor wanted me to incorporate exercise back into my life now that I’m healthy, which means means taking daily twenty- to thirty-minute walks. Well, guess what. I get so anxious that I overexercise on weekends because without the stuff my doc assigned me to do, I probably walk a good forty minutes already everyday for school. I don’t have time to take walks other than after school so I don’t have time to hang out with my friends. And it’s not like I can wait till later to do it, or do it in the morning before school… because it’s too dark. I’ve confided my issues with a few friends; one of my friends is a vegan and she has issues with eating too, so she somewhat understands, but… it’s not the same, y’know?

I don’t do things on weekends. I have dance in the middle of the day on Saturdays, so that’s out of the question… and I have to food shop with my mom on Sundays because I need to make sure I get the food I need. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I can’t exactly get together with friends by calling them up because in NYC kids can go to the same high school, but come from all five boroughs. It’s not like I can go walk over to a friend’s house and ring their door… I’d probably have to take a train and three buses to do that. -_-

I’m trying to sign up for ice skating on Friday afternoons with a program through my school, and some of my friends are doing it too. I guess I can consider that “hanging out”, and it’ll count as my exercise. I’ll be able to have fun and be with my friends, minus the worries of exercise and suddenly getting fat. It’s just things… could be a lot better for me, you know? On Tuesday I’m going to talk to my doctor about the exercise issue because I want a social life. When she first told me to start taking the walks, I cried because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to fall back into my old habits, and I interpreted that as though I was getting fat. I didn’t want to obsess over it. Well, guess what happened.

I apologize for this whiny and bitchy (not to mention long) post, but the way I started this off… missing those elementary school playdates… it just put me on a roll. Now I’m wondering how many words I’ve typed in this blog, so probably now I’m gonna copy and paste everything into Pages and see… heh, have a good night everybody. :]

– Delilah

November 28th, 2009

Oh, man. The views on my blog have skyrocketed in the past day! At the moment I’ve been averaging around 30 views a day (and I consider that a lot considering I just started blogging) but before noon today I had 63 views! Plus, five comments on my last post. You guys don’t know how much that means to me… I truly do appreciate the comments, and they just put me in a good mood. I can’t help but think: “I’m loved!” Heh, views and comments really do make me happy. Keep it up, guys. ;D

Right now my feet are killing me, and it’s all thanks to these babies:

LIKE OMG CHARACTER SHOES.

I got Capezio character tap shoes… the picture itself has the shoes without the metal taps, but do you really expect me to go all the way downstairs, take the shoes out, find my camera, take a picture of the shoes, come upstairs, upload the picture, and post the picture? Naaaw, I’m much to lazy for that. ;D

Anyway, I practiced using them for tap today and because we’re supposed to be dancing sans heels, I had to be on the balls of my feet the whole time. By the time I mastered doing a simple time step, we were already doing wings and I, being notorious for my capability to do them, could not. Now my toesies hurt and I can barely walk. Owww.

Before I go, I wanted to post a video of myself! As I will mention, it’s just so you guys can hear what I sound like.

…Yeah. RANDOM, RIGHT? lulz, okay. I’ve started watching reruns of “Glee” because every-girl-and-her-brother I know is watching it, so I’m off to watch another episode online. See you guys later!

– Delilah

November 27th, 2009

 

I HATE…

1. Trying on clothes in one size, and having them either be too farkin’ small or too farkin’ big, and when they’re small… not willing to go up a size.
2. Having a good day, and the very next, it turns into a shitty one.
3. Only thinking I look good in the morning, because I haven’t eaten anything yet to “ruin” my appearance.
4. Plotting, scheming, planning… whatever you want to call it… and randomly considering the perfect timing to fall back into my old habits.
5. That my brother has to be obvious that eating at a diner, or restaurant, or indulging in something won’t make me fat. And he’s right.
6. Feeling so unfulfilled and having no goals for the future.
7. The cold weather, for making me feel so fat with all the layers I have to wear.

BUT I LOVE…

1. Despite everything, I can still identify my good traits.
2. Having friends, my kitties, and my family support me.
3. My hair. it’sfantasticallyawesome.
4. My quirkiness. It’s wonderful to be odd.
5. My ability to help people with their problems. When you help someone, it brings you closer to them. It creates a certain bond.
6. My taste in music. Music, I believe, saved me. The Beatles, the Velvet Underground, the Who, David Bowie, Led Zeppelin, the Kinks, and because I am a “friggin’ kid, for godsakes” Lady Gaga.
7. My eyes. They’re brown, but they’re wonderful. One opens wider than the other and, heh, I used to think in a certain light my eyes looked like David Bowie’s.
8. Eating. ED can’t make me feel guilty when I eat a sweet bowl of ice cream, or a fulfilling bowl of cereal, or – God forbid! – a slice of pumpkin pie.
9. Growing up. But not having to act it.
10. Being able to accept having breasts again.
11. Dancing without having to sit out or with not as much energy.
12. Being told I am pretty, cute, beautiful, adorable… that helps me so much. Because I’ll believe it.
13. Being “smart.” Most of my grade got a C or below in physics. Guess who got an A?
14. Living, because I wouldn’t be here without it.

As you can see… the second list is twice the size as the first, and it shows despite all the negativity I still have for myself, I can produce twice the amount of positive facts. I made this list feeling bad about my body, but with the making of the second list, I feel loads better. I encourage all of you to do the same: write out what you hate about yourself, and then make a longer list of the things you love about yourself. We can’t fool ourselves into believing we can destroy the first list, but at least we can turn our focus to the things we are willing to accept. Because when you compare the lists, it’s quite obvious which one matters more and makes the most sense.

Have a lovely evening. <3

– Delilah