December 5th, 2009
1. My hair. Shiny, rich, NOT FALLING OUT. “That’s your NATURAL hair color?!” Complements my cheekbones. Cool. Easy to care for. Perfect.
2. My eyes. Dark, pretty, sparkly. NOT DEAD. NOT TIRED.
3. My eyebrows. Nicely shaped, no waxing needed.
4. My teeth. Straight! Never needed braces. Only one cavity. NOT YELLOW.
5. My shoulders. I don’t know why, but I love ‘em. NOT UGLY BONY.
6. My arms. Toned, long. Strong. Femininely muscular… if there is such a thing. NOT STICK THIN.
7. My feet. Imperfect, but for some reason, I love ‘em. NOT BLISTERED FROM WALKING.
This is a list of things I love about my body. If you noticed, the things in caps were the things those body parts were like when I was sick. None of them are attractive, nor will they ever be. If I can’t learn to accept my body as a whole, I at least can accept individual parts. I’m having a mild freakout at the moment, because here in New York the weather has become disgusting and so I cannot go out and exercise. I’m okay with this, but ED is not. My doctor told me exercise would not be an issue. She is so fucking wrong that I am pissed and beginning to lose my trust in her.
This is not meant to be a negative post, however. The list I made is very similar to the two “I hate…” and “I love…” lists, however this one specifically pinpoints what I love about my BODY and how my body is better at where it is now, rather than a low weight. I was inspired to do this after Googling “how to accept my body,” and most of the things I found were crap because really, when you’re eating disordered it’s gonna take a lot more effort to teach yourself to love your body. Most of the things were saying to just learn to deal with it; you really can’t just “deal” with it in my case.
I want to get better, I really do. I think my problem now is that my “ED Dream Team” – a.k.a. my doctor, nutritionist, therapist, and occasional psychiatrist – is not addressing some of my bigger issues. I’ve made it quite clear to them what they are, I’ve even told my therapist to her face that I think she’s not helping me. Oy vey.
Well, that’s pretty much it. I’m going to shower now, then have dessert. I really can’t believe how cold it is outside… it’s so dark so I can’t tell but apparently it’s snowing. OMGSNOW! Yay, I love snow. x3
‘Night-’night!
– Delilah
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~ by Delilah on December 5, 2009.
Posted in December
Tags: doctor, dump, eating disorder, exercise, list, nutrionist, therapist
Beautiful my dear, Very beautiful
Femininely muscular there is such a thing and i find it beautiful, i have never had very muscular arms so i love it in other people.
You always manage to give me a new way of looking at recovery! I think it’s incredible that now that you are on the pathway to health you are able to appreciate certain aspects of your body! Of course it’s going to be tough, and there are always going to be negative body images at times but the fact that you can recognize healthful, beautiful parts of yourself says alot about how far you have come!
<3
Thanks for everything dear
Tat
I love my teeth too, never needed braces
Personnally, I lost my faith in doctors. They don’t really help if you already have the resources you need.
Hate the weather too…I’m in Canada, so it’s much colder than NY. Brrrrr…
xoxo
Vanilla
This post has set a tone of positivity for my day. We are all so beautiful, I am so happy that you can see what a beautiful girl you are and how wonderful you are.
We don’t deserve to have ED mask who we are as people.
This made me so happy.
Thinking of you,
<3Karina