December 6th, 2009
Last night, I went to bed feeling shitty: despite the list I made, I still found ED gnawing at my thoughts, but frankly I think it got to me simply because I was too tired to fight back. When I awoke this morning to your comments, I felt a billion times better. You guys are so sweet and amazing. Your comments really do make my day. <3
ANYWAY today I was snooping around accidentally happened upon some payment forms, concerning my appointments with my psychiatrist. These papers are numbered depending on the sort of mental illness you were diagnosed with, so I continued to dig around in that pile of papers and found a list of diagnoses, complete with their corresponding numbers. I was surprised to find my number matched up with “anorexia nervosa” and not “eating disorder NOS.” If you guys noticed, I never referred to my eating disorder as “anorexia” or myself as being an “anorexic.” It’s not a big issue, I know, but it got me thinking. To have “anorexia” does not mean you have the eating disorder “anorexia nervosa…” it actually is a symptom, “to lack appetite.” All things considered, “anorexia” can be a symptom of several types of eating disorders, including EDNOS, and other non-ED diseases too. I always assumed I was never clinically diagnosed with anorexia nervosa because I never was emaciated; therefore being sick with EDNOS.
I can’t say I am “anorexic” because I do eat and I don’t have a decreased appetite. I am still eating disordered because I suffer from all the other issues that arise from ED: horrible body image, fear of food (but not to the point where I won’t eat it), fear of weight gain, among other issues. I think what I’m trying to say is that once you enter the recovery phase, willing to get better, you sort of shift into a simple “eating disordered” character but lose the “anorexic” (in its actual meaning) billing. I can, of course, be wrong: I’m not a doctor… doctors will call us what they please – including anorexic – and I’m just over-thinking things. I just find it interesting, because it’s sort of all a misconception. What arises from this is that I wonder: What does that make me? What am I?
I'm a comb-wieldin', chin-rubbin' philosopher, man!
In the long run, it does not matter to me what I am. I am Delilah. I am a girl. I am cool. I am beautiful. I am not defined by an eating disorder, and I can function well without it. I am who I want to friggin’ be. I wasn’t born with ED, and I will hopefully die a natural death without it. Let’s keep it that way!
– Delilah
You are to cute, seriously so cute.
Anorexia or not, you are recovering from a illness and are doing a swell ass job of it.
Your name is Delilah. Not Anorexia. You are beautiful, intelligent, special, strong, brave, courageous. Although you may have been diagnosed with an eating disorder, that doesn’t define you in any way. You always have been and always will be Delilah, a beautiful girl.
You’re recovering, and although it’s a fight every day, you’re winning it. You’re getting your life back.
Word.
An eating disorder is an eating disorder.. it doesn’t matter if you are an overeater or an undereater – it’s a way of coping with underlying stress. It can be so discouraging to feel like you have been labeled…
You just have to remember that you are NOT defined by your eating disorder, no matter what title some random doctor has given it. You are one hell of a beautiful lady and I know you can override these dark feelings.
Keep smiling
xox
Tat